Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
