you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
as a side note pls kill me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
