Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
