I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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