Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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