Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
