Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
