fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
