woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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