Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
