I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
