after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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