the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
