every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
