We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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