I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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