He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
