Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
