At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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