It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
