i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
