I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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