She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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