How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
