i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
