Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
