Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I am naked and annoyed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
