As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
