Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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