he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I checked into jail on foursquare
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
