if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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