Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
