I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
