I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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