There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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