Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
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thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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