You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
