Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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