Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Everyone says I win the strip club
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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