i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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