I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
