right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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