Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
