my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It all started with a game of naked twister.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
