She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
