you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
