If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
