The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
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Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
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I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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