Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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