i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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