Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
