I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
