sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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