i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
